Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I feel alot of it is based on self esteem issues
the extract below is from the Reach out Website
How Does Your Self-Esteem Affect Your Life?
Your self-esteem can affect how you feel, how you relate to other people, how you deal with challenges and how relaxed and safe you feel in your daily life:
The Way You Feel
In order to be happy you need to like yourself. If you believe that you are not OK, or if you are constantly putting yourself down, you are more likely to feel depressed, anxious or miserable than someone who has a positive view of themselves.
Low self-esteem can influence the way you behave with other people. For instance, you might find yourself being unassertive (not saying what we think, feel or want), and doing things we don't want to do.
Or you might find yourself trying too hard to please other people - agreeing with them and offering to do things for them in order to 'earn' their friendship.
Low self-esteem might also cause you to seek reassurance from your friends, because deep down, you may not be sure that they like you. You might allow others to 'walk all over you' because you believe you have no rights, and that your needs don't matter. Being treated badly by other people can reinforce the belief that you are not good enough, and can lower your self-esteem even more.
Your Willingness to Move Out of Your Comfort Zone
Trying new things and moving out of our 'comfort zone' at times is important for growing and developing as a person. Low self-esteem might hold you back from new experiences because you become overly concerned with the possibility of failure or looking stupid.
How Relaxed and Comfortable You Feel in the World
When your self-esteem is low, it is difficult to feel relaxed and comfortable in day to day situations.
For instance, if you believe that you are not OK you might feel awkward and self-conscious in many situations. You might worry too much about what others think of you, and might be constantly on the lookout for signs that people don't like you. If someone doesn't acknowledge you, you might immediately assume that they don't like you.
Yep - I could of nearly written that!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I don't save anyone, no one loves me in such a way that they life would stop if I wasn't here tomorrow or tonight - it would take several weeks/months for people to even realise I wasn't here!
Someone told me tonight that what the treatment that I have allowed others to get away with, is the behaviour that I allow people to always get away with. Since I have been bullied since I was 4ish - due to the speach issues - which no one can seriously understand the number of hours of treatment I have been involved with unless they have had over 10 years of weekly specialist treatments to try and reticifie the situation. I just don't think the person understands what having low-self esteem is like and I don't mean to be the victim but I can't help it.
I have been being bullied at work for a number of months - I can't do anything right,and when I do take a step forward I then get asked who asked me to do it - etc. The people I work with think I don't have a brain - i.e. they don't feel its worth while founding out what brain I have!
I work in the construction industry language is expected - but since I am a female one of my colegues who degrades me - apologises for swearing in front of me - and has actually told me that since I was a female it is inappropriate for me to swear. Jokes around the site are not considered appropriate to be shared with me since I am a female. All I ask is to be treated like one of the guys but for some reason they can not think past the fact that I am supposed to have boobs (not man boobs).
True I have never been physically or sexually abused but emotionally I can't do this anymore
Except of course the fact that I am a weakling and I couldn't hurt myself - I just don't have the guts to hurt myself - other than emotionally thinking about stuff too much - I just don't know anymore!
I don't know how to move forward - new job same issue, one of my friends who is also a relative reminded me that things could be worst - but also suggested that I look at getting medical assistance - I really don't know! I just don't know!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Just realised I have a house deposit (even with the 6 weeks in Europe), and can get another $15,000 ($7,000 federal, $5,000 victoria and another $3,000 since I don't wanna live in Melbourne or geelong given to me by the state as well - if I buy a brand new place) of bonus!
So I need to start founding the place - my lease is until May 2009 - so buy now - lease it out until 30 April - move into my own place...
just need to found a place that i like, i can afford (without feeling like I have gone down a big black hole and feeling depressed cause I have no living money), and just do it!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
I am starting to wonder if I am drinking too much! I am starting to wonder if I am eating out too much as well!
This week has been one of those weeks.
Friday night had drinks at the pub - with the guys from work - I remember hoping in a mates car - but I don't remember dropping off the 2 guys (well I half remember dropping one off), or giving directions to stace (my mate). Then was sitting on the couch and talking to stace, and next thing I know its 430am and I found I was sleeping on the couch, with my dona (blanket) from my bed on me. That was fine - sad but fine! I then had to get up at 530 - so I could be around at a work mates place at 6am for a snow trip.
Stace didn't drink on friday night, she had offered to drive us all to the snow - so on saturaday morning - she had 2 hanged over work mates of mine in the backsit, and me in the front sit - all feeling dodgy!
Thursday night I kept pace with the boys for dinner! Friday morning I woke up feeling a touch hanged over!
Monday, July 28, 2008
I have started work, spent a weekend with the family, met a whole lot of new collegues, drank a whole lot of beer, had my first, second and third visitors - (all in the same weekend), hosted a couple of dinners here, drank some more beer, won a raffle or 3, had my parents her for a week, and visited Canberra, but for some reason I am still feeling alone.
It's weird how alone I feel at times, althrough it might just be tiredness!
I once heard that the male in a couple is likely to sleep closest to the door, even through I am alone, I have generally always slept closest to the door - its just been the side that made me feel at home. In the last couple of weeks maybe due to the new room etc. I have started sleeping the furtherest from the door. This is an interesting move for me - maybe its because I am becoming more open to things - I don't kow - but its an interesting discussion point for this forum.
Better found out what is happening with uni - today!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
But some of the belongings I have (a lot) have sedimentally value - like the teddy bear aidan gave me for my 21st - its red and big - and has been in charge of the lounge at my last place. The glass world globe that andrew gave me for my 21st. The navy blue scraf thing that I was supposed to wear for Aidan and Stace's wedding.
The hangings - which I haven't worked out which ones to put up - only have 4 places to hang them.
Cross-stitch that mum did for my 21st, the cross-stitch I made, the 4 long-stitches that I did, the picture of the 12 apostles that I got as a graduation gift, the picture of me in a monaro, the pictures of me in amanda's wedding, my grad cert (by 3), and that's before the generic pictures I have picked up along the way that have meaning.
This week is the only week that I will be in the office until the end of June for monday to friday. Have training for the next 3 weeks, and then exams.
Friday, May 16, 2008
I have officially got my own place - its not a palace or a castle but it is mine for the next 12 months - yes I am in the renting game again. The place that I am talking about is a 2 bedroom unit in Yarrawonga - which is mine while I continue to pay the rent. At the moment its only a bed and lots and lots of boxes! The bed is made - first rule when unpacking - first thing to do when unpacking is make the bed!
As I said in the my last blog I was going to have a busy week or so - well in the last 2 weeks (Thursday to today - yes okay 16 days) I have been to box hill south, camberwell, adelaide, clare, watervale (made famous by annie's lane), salisbury, Mintaro, sevenhill, korumburra, leongatha, yarrawonga, mulwala, albury, rutherglen, beechworth, myrtleford, sale, barinsdale, bright, greensborough, cranbourne, mt. hotham (where they was snow), coal creek, omeo, swifts creek,bruthen, stratford, yarrum, meeniyan, woodside, stradbroke, alberton, welshpool (victoria), Toora, Tarwin, koonwarra, Mornington, Hastings, Tyabb,etc.
The pub at Mintaro - the view from the winery that I was enjoy a very nice drop of red with a chocolate/caramel cake with raspberry sauce - on a sunny may day with good mates!
What more do you need!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
This week is probably my social week of the month, 6-months etc.
Tonight is dinner with some high-school friends - we generally try to catch up every so often.
tomorrow I am going to Adelaide and spending the weekend with at least 2 mates, while monday I have a specialist appointment and then tuesday or wednesday i am off to albury for a couple of days. But saying this the people that I am seeing in the next week - is about a quarter of my friendship network...
Monday, April 28, 2008
Some of the things that I believe should be looked at in relation to melbourne transport is ;
- every major shopping centre (knox, highpoint, southland, northland, etc.) should have a train station associated with it - and be on a line (none of them are) but they are all in major suburban areas (parking at the shopping centres is free so this needs to be increased and maybe introducing a system of providing free public transport.)
- every university should have a train line into the city (except for uni's within CBD)
- every hospital should have a train station to encourage visitors to take public tansport and not park.
- introduce transit lines on the monash freeway -with cameras to fine people that do not have 2 or more individuals in a car - or have a larger vehicle lane - vehicles being over a certain tonage - i.e trucks and buses only.
- A train line between fankston - portsea and frankston- dandendong
- A train line to the Airport - with connections to the bundoora -werribee line, but then running into spencer st station(tullamarine and avalon) - this service will be more experience than the normal met line - and the skybus service will be removed. With the connection of both airport services to the werribee-bundoora line it will allow smoother connections between airports.
- a train line between clayton uni and the bundoora unis
- and maybe a train line between bundoora uni and werribee - going through sunbury.
this is only my ideas as a novice traveller on the melbourne transport.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The job required 3-5 years experience in environmental roles, and a science or engineering qualification.
The job is only for a year and they are offering a graduate rate of payment if that!
Therefre I made it honest in the interview that on that money I am not interested!
I am moving to Yarrawonga - starting work on the 19th of May!
Monday, April 21, 2008
The only thing that seems consist at the moment is everyday lend lease is ringing me to tell me what is happening with the job. Yes everyday - for the last 2 weeks I have had a phonecall from them. At least one. I think since the 7th of April - I have spoken to someone from lend lease every work day but one. It's insane. Yes I know they want me - I am brilliant!
The highlight for my week last week was 2 visits to the eye specialist, and my mum's school reunion - which had little to do with me... other than mum inviting people back to the house and me being good daughter and making hot drinks and keeping up the nibbles, and also helping the lions club the next day with the school free bbq.
things will speed along soon...
Monday, April 14, 2008
What do I do with this information?
The job will not start until mid May - where I will probably be based in sydney for a week or two, again what do I do with this information?
The job is an environment job - but its one of the few jobs that has bitten on my resumes...
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The last couple of weeks - I have reconnected with individuals through facebook that I didn't expect to - including imaginary characters - well not necceessary imaginary characters but... the character is not real *no pulse, no blood trough*, the character in question is about a 30 cm bunny - known as Brabbit Telfer - he is associated with my past life at Telfer, and is part of the B crew Open Pit. Photos of him consist of him doing paperwork - essential for any worker at Telfer, driving in the pit - including the haul truck...
Also included in the group are two individuals so different from each other but similar and both of the same believe that facebook was evil...
I also discovered that people that I have knew from the past have got married, and also have met other people in my life...
Al's daughter turned 1 on the weekend - got invited to the family birthday party. It suprised me that they was only family. I fitted into the party!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Has anyone seen her? Does anyone know what she looks like? What she enjoys? what her Hobbies are?
Yes folks I have lost myself again - the physical self is currently in a chair in a lounge room at her parents place but emotional and mental self is lost - I really can't recall clearly seing them for more than five minutes since 1994 maybe earlier but... you get the picture!
I was driving home this morning from a mates housewarming party and I realised that I don't have the friend that knows everything etc. about you - I have friends, and ones that are good ones - but you know the friend that you always going out with, or catching up with.
My friend Perdi has just moved into her first house! with her partner Craig - Craig was saying that 2 of his mates had been around everynight the previous week, and it got me thinking about the people in my life...
It also got me thinking about how I am going to meet people - I really need to start dancing again but I can't because I don't know what I am doing!
At the moment - I feel like everyone is zooming past me - and they have been for years.
Maybe its just everything getting....
My mother telling me I can't use my normal bathroom when she has visitors, due to them using it (just make me feel at home), my mother constantly reminding me that I should be gratefully to be living with them - cos I am saving money this way (as Dad pointed out - city kids are able to stay living at home when at uni if deemed necessary), My mother saying if I don't get a job soon I will have to apply for a job down at the supermarket (nothing wrong with that - but professional jobs take time and I have only been in the country for a week), having to explain to my parents who I am talking t on my mobile phone. and to top it all of just feeling lonely - but then again not going to found anyone while I feel lonely.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Started to apply for jobs todays - and got a phone call within 45 minutes- had an interview today - but was unsuccessfully need more experience - also I wasn't old enough for the job!
At the moment I am runned down but I need to get a job!
I booked my May trip yestrday - going to Adelaide - Clare Valley actually!
Friday, March 21, 2008
My eye is playing up - imagine seeing someone wearing a red bit of glass as the contact lense - my eye is redder - can't remember seeing white this morning when I looked in the mirror. My immune system I believe I lost in Paris...
So a 11:15 flight from Manchester to London, a 9pm flight from London to Singapore, and then whatever time it is from singapore to Melbourne (I'm not changing my watch for that timezone) and something is likely to ran late!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Started thinking about painting it today - I was on a bus all day!
The master bedroom I am thinking I would like a black wall -with three hand made things - to match my bed spread - which by memory haven't seen it for 18 months is white and blue!
I am really starting to get the itch to buy!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
But then again - i'm thinking a bath would be good and not having to have loose change for the bathroom, and wearing different clothes!
last serious blog was copenhagen - which was lovely, then I preceeded back to london for 2 days until i commenced my booked tour of europe!
The tour was aimed for under 35's - so alcohol was heavily mentioned!
the first day of the tour we were in four countries (england, france, belgium and netherlands (not holland - holland is onlly a small part of netherlands). we (24 of us plus the tour guide and driver) spent the night in armsterdam - dinner on the canals, then most of the group went to a live sex show and visited coffeeshops! 2 people vomitted in or out of the taxi, and one person had too many mushrooms... (this was going to be the norm - and people feeling hanged over).
the second day some heads sore... we were off to germany - to the rhine valley - where the make wine! it happened to be two of the 26 peoples birthdays so we had a four course meal (2 deserts) and we were all given various hats for the evening! And the impossible puzzles come out throughout the evening! People were fine the next morning a rarity!
the third day started with snow! then off to learn about cuckatoo clocks and steins (important things in life)! then off to munich - after forgetting my pin number for my visa card (still can't remember it !)
Munich a litre of beer at the time - no such thing as a pot around here - smallest beer half a litre! And half the tour - decided to play I never - it was fun to watch! As you can imagine various states in the morning!
fourth day again started with snow and continued to snow as we drive to Austria, a tour of Salzberg learning the inner things about the sound of music - needed to do something cultured!
fifth day off to Venice and it's snowing in Italy! Wasn't overally impressed with Venice but ... that's life!
Sixth day Rome, and continued to be there on the seventh day! Experienced Vatican City, the artwork there - amazing - just amazing - breathtaking and considering the age of the stuff and how it was done...
Didn't think much of the collesuem but...
Found out about a pub crawl - and various members of the group went on the pub crawl - hangovers the next day and Rome taxis in a different state after driving them home!
Eighth day - David - yep in Florence - also ended up going to the hospital in florence due to not knowing my limit as far as alcohol is concerned...
Ninth day - I spent the day in PJ's on the bus - I don't know about you but comfort is always good! and we ended up in switzland! Everyone by this stage was tired and had an early night! by this stage I felt like I had been removed from the group - and no one wanted to talk to me!
The trip was twin share hotel accomadation - and the was 10 girls - 5 rooms- don't care who shares with who - 2 of the girls were south americans they shared, another 2 were drinking buddies they shared, another 2 just joined as at Rome - and got along, so the 4 of us remainder changed room buddies, and this particular evening one that hadn't shared with me before was supposed to share with me - but due to evening in the hospital (hello - I was in a better state then most) she was concerned that I was going to be sick again (I hadn't all day) and requested another room! Good way to exile me out of society!
then Paris - and it was windy as anything - half the eifel tower was closed it was moving at least those 7cms - so I didn't go up it!
The people I met on the trip were the typical people that most people meet - therefore due to my nature I am likely to remain in contact with probably 1 - or so! But it was good to go on the trip just to see the sites and the history!
a couple of days in London, then scotland for 3 nights, then manchester for 2 nights - then the plane takes me back to my clothes...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
- Aunty Pam and Uncle Geoff ( I was only 3 or so but I remember it)
- Anita and Simon (Anita High school mate - beautiful sole)
- Sarah and Mark (both angels - Sarah again high school mate - and mark has weird food likes (good if pineapple is in it)/dislikes (no tomato and pumpkin)
- Dan and Christine (Dan is my cousin - seen more of him in the last 4 years then previously in my life)
- Panda and Paul (Bridesmaid for her - she is my sister)
- One of my ex-bf's mates (not likely to be invited!)
- Monique and Eddie (Divorced now but monique is a uni mate)
- Robbie (sorry robert) and Erica (consider them both mates - the kindness, the strength, the openness...)
- Diana and Andy ( Diana is another High School mate and she is gorgenous)
- Marty and Catherine (Marty is a cousin and this couple is no longer together)
- Stace and Aidan (They got desperate for a bridesmaid so filled that spot - great mates with both and consider them to be so charming and cute and also a perfect fit for each other)
- Carla and Peter (both beautiful soles Carla is a high school mate and Peter accepts everyone).
- Heather and Ben (My other sister (according to her friends and family)- both friends from Pirie - Heather is always there for me - perfect fit for each other).
- also Jelena and Nathan & Sarah and Arindh all four cute as, but they all got married in New Zealand so wasn't able to attend.
- Also Georgie and Greg since they aloped.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Keep on getting emails from Recuirtment people telling me that they want more information about me and there understand I am currently in London - I don't remember putting that in many applications. So there have wrong me - spoke to one of my parents and then emailed me!
I can't believe the number of emails I have recieved in the last couple of days considering last friday was when I applied for jobs!
Okay I need to forget about work at the moment and think of the rest... Europe :)
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Last week after much questioning from my parents regarding employment - I commenced the looking for a new job process - I applied for some jobs...
my cousin who visited uis last week reviewed by resume for me - and he was impressed but still gave me some pointers, which was greatly appreciated.
I applied for about a dozen jobs on friday - and within 3 hours of pressing the famous send button - the phone started to ring. As a professional it is very rare for you to recieve anything other than the customary email saying your email has been recieved at a email address made up for that purpose.
My ipod seems to be having personalities difficulties....
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I know i should be more organised but...
I am off to europe on monday I havenn't arranged anything yet - thinking I might spend a day in London on tuesday then take a train to Prague on wednesday afternoon...
I actually hate valentine day, I've got to the point in my life that most of my friends are married or in a long term relationship (i.e. brought a house), and weddings and valentines day just makes me feel lonely!!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
The cousins that I haven't seen for about 10 years - quite weird one of my cousins partners have taught one of my other cousins kid - were all there and we were all civiliased - it was good to found out what there were doing.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
I'm not in a 3rd world nation, I am at work - in the same country of the funeral - is just I can't get there!
Money is not an issue its the fact that flights to Port Hedland where I work are extremely difficult to get at the moment. The whole town went away for xmas or so it seems and now the new year has come and everyone must return - the major airline that flies into Port Hedland - Qantas - normally operate 3 flights a day - but the last week 4 flights a day have been going Perth to Port Hedland.
I did a quick look - I could use my points to go Port Hedland to Melbourne return - 55,000 points - I have the points - 17 hours to get to Melbourne - Port Hedland to Perth to Adelaide to Melbourne - then 3 hours driving - then sleeping when I actually get home I suppose,
But the problem is getting from Melbourne to Port Hedland - No seats are available on flights from Perth to Port Hedland - not very often you hear about flights being fully booked. But that is the case.