Thursday, September 25, 2008

I've been wondering for a while now - what is the reason for life?

I don't save anyone, no one loves me in such a way that they life would stop if I wasn't here tomorrow or tonight - it would take several weeks/months for people to even realise I wasn't here!

Someone told me tonight that what the treatment that I have allowed others to get away with, is the behaviour that I allow people to always get away with. Since I have been bullied since I was 4ish - due to the speach issues - which no one can seriously understand the number of hours of treatment I have been involved with unless they have had over 10 years of weekly specialist treatments to try and reticifie the situation. I just don't think the person understands what having low-self esteem is like and I don't mean to be the victim but I can't help it.

I have been being bullied at work for a number of months - I can't do anything right,and when I do take a step forward I then get asked who asked me to do it - etc. The people I work with think I don't have a brain - i.e. they don't feel its worth while founding out what brain I have!

I work in the construction industry language is expected - but since I am a female one of my colegues who degrades me - apologises for swearing in front of me - and has actually told me that since I was a female it is inappropriate for me to swear. Jokes around the site are not considered appropriate to be shared with me since I am a female. All I ask is to be treated like one of the guys but for some reason they can not think past the fact that I am supposed to have boobs (not man boobs).

True I have never been physically or sexually abused but emotionally I can't do this anymore

Except of course the fact that I am a weakling and I couldn't hurt myself - I just don't have the guts to hurt myself - other than emotionally thinking about stuff too much - I just don't know anymore!

I don't know how to move forward - new job same issue, one of my friends who is also a relative reminded me that things could be worst - but also suggested that I look at getting medical assistance - I really don't know! I just don't know!


Andrew said...

Chat to Aidan about what is the reason for life. He doesn't know either but perhaps the reason is in the discovery.

... There is a thought that if anyone realises the reason for life, the universe will disappear and be replaced with a more complicated universe ...

Your posting sounds horrible, that your job is full of negatives. However I have heard you say alot of possitives.

It doesnt matter how long it takes people to realise that you are gone. What does matter is that we will all seriously miss you.

... There is a thought that this has already happened ...

Stace said...

1 - Get out of a macho-dominated industry. You're working with people who probably regard blokiness as the same as worthiness.

2 - Remind yourself that you're not in school anymore and you have a choice who to associate with.

3 - Use your choices. You may feel limited, but the truth is the only thing limiting you is yourself. There is ALWAYS choice if you're happy to accept the results and consequences.

4 - There is no reason for life, but since we're here we might as well damn well enjoy it.

Andrew said...

I like point four