I've been wondering for a while now - what is the reason for life?

I don't save anyone, no one loves me in such a way that they life would stop if I wasn't here tomorrow or tonight - it would take several weeks/months for people to even realise I wasn't here!

Someone told me tonight that what the treatment that I have allowed others to get away with, is the behaviour that I allow people to always get away with. Since I have been bullied since I was 4ish - due to the speach issues - which no one can seriously understand the number of hours of treatment I have been involved with unless they have had over 10 years of weekly specialist treatments to try and reticifie the situation. I just don't think the person understands what having low-self esteem is like and I don't mean to be the victim but I can't help it.

I have been being bullied at work for a number of months - I can't do anything right,and when I do take a step forward I then get asked who asked me to do it - etc. The people I work with think I don't have a brain - i.e. they don't feel its worth while founding out what brain I have!

I work in the construction industry language is expected - but since I am a female one of my colegues who degrades me - apologises for swearing in front of me - and has actually told me that since I was a female it is inappropriate for me to swear. Jokes around the site are not considered appropriate to be shared with me since I am a female. All I ask is to be treated like one of the guys but for some reason they can not think past the fact that I am supposed to have boobs (not man boobs).

True I have never been physically or sexually abused but emotionally I can't do this anymore

Except of course the fact that I am a weakling and I couldn't hurt myself - I just don't have the guts to hurt myself - other than emotionally thinking about stuff too much - I just don't know anymore!

I don't know how to move forward - new job same issue, one of my friends who is also a relative reminded me that things could be worst - but also suggested that I look at getting medical assistance - I really don't know! I just don't know!

The next big step!

Okay
Just realised I have a house deposit (even with the 6 weeks in Europe), and can get another $15,000 ($7,000 federal, $5,000 victoria and another $3,000 since I don't wanna live in Melbourne or geelong given to me by the state as well - if I buy a brand new place) of bonus!

So I need to start founding the place - my lease is until May 2009 - so buy now - lease it out until 30 April - move into my own place...

just need to found a place that i like, i can afford (without feeling like I have gone down a big black hole and feeling depressed cause I have no living money), and just do it!

What is it with Alcohol?

I am starting to wonder if I am drinking too much! I am starting to wonder if I am eating out too much as well!

This week has been one of those weeks.

Friday night had drinks at the pub - with the guys from work - I remember hoping in a mates car - but I don't remember dropping off the 2 guys (well I half remember dropping one off), or giving directions to stace (my mate). Then was sitting on the couch and talking to stace, and next thing I know its 430am and I found I was sleeping on the couch, with my dona (blanket) from my bed on me. That was fine - sad but fine! I then had to get up at 530 - so I could be around at a work mates place at 6am for a snow trip.
Stace didn't drink on friday night, she had offered to drive us all to the snow - so on saturaday morning - she had 2 hanged over work mates of mine in the backsit, and me in the front sit - all feeling dodgy!

Thursday night I kept pace with the boys for dinner! Friday morning I woke up feeling a touch hanged over!

Okay it's my fault that nothing has been written for a while
I have started work, spent a weekend with the family, met a whole lot of new collegues, drank a whole lot of beer, had my first, second and third visitors - (all in the same weekend), hosted a couple of dinners here, drank some more beer, won a raffle or 3, had my parents her for a week, and visited Canberra, but for some reason I am still feeling alone.

It's weird how alone I feel at times, althrough it might just be tiredness!

I once heard that the male in a couple is likely to sleep closest to the door, even through I am alone, I have generally always slept closest to the door - its just been the side that made me feel at home. In the last couple of weeks maybe due to the new room etc. I have started sleeping the furtherest from the door. This is an interesting move for me - maybe its because I am becoming more open to things - I don't kow - but its an interesting discussion point for this forum.

Better found out what is happening with uni - today!

Life

Okay I have unpacked - well everything is out of the boxes... Things still need to found homes and I do have too many things.

But some of the belongings I have (a lot) have sedimentally value - like the teddy bear aidan gave me for my 21st - its red and big - and has been in charge of the lounge at my last place. The glass world globe that andrew gave me for my 21st. The navy blue scraf thing that I was supposed to wear for Aidan and Stace's wedding.

The hangings - which I haven't worked out which ones to put up - only have 4 places to hang them.
Cross-stitch that mum did for my 21st, the cross-stitch I made, the 4 long-stitches that I did, the picture of the 12 apostles that I got as a graduation gift, the picture of me in a monaro, the pictures of me in amanda's wedding, my grad cert (by 3), and that's before the generic pictures I have picked up along the way that have meaning.

This week is the only week that I will be in the office until the end of June for monday to friday. Have training for the next 3 weeks, and then exams.

I have officially got my own place - its not a palace or a castle but it is mine for the next 12 months - yes I am in the renting game again. The place that I am talking about is a 2 bedroom unit in Yarrawonga - which is mine while I continue to pay the rent. At the moment its only a bed and lots and lots of boxes! The bed is made - first rule when unpacking - first thing to do when unpacking is make the bed!

As I said in the my last blog I was going to have a busy week or so - well in the last 2 weeks (Thursday to today - yes okay 16 days) I have been to box hill south, camberwell, adelaide, clare, watervale (made famous by annie's lane), salisbury, Mintaro, sevenhill, korumburra, leongatha, yarrawonga, mulwala, albury, rutherglen, beechworth, myrtleford, sale, barinsdale, bright, greensborough, cranbourne, mt. hotham (where they was snow), coal creek, omeo, swifts creek,bruthen, stratford, yarrum, meeniyan, woodside, stradbroke, alberton, welshpool (victoria), Toora, Tarwin, koonwarra, Mornington, Hastings, Tyabb,etc.

The pub at Mintaro - the view from the winery that I was enjoy a very nice drop of red with a chocolate/caramel cake with raspberry sauce - on a sunny may day with good mates!

What more do you need!

Bright - from my car window - it always looks the same

I have been extremely lucky that I have been able to see a lot of Australia, and see it with mates. I was thinking that I need to document the places I've been - I am currently thinking of putting together a scrap book of the places I've been - and each year put together a new page for the places I have been that year. Doesn't have to have a lot of pictures one or two - but mainly a list of the places I have been!

I am a bit concern about startign a new job - I don't make friends easily - or even associates. I'm finding that I don't know how to interact with people. I am starting to get very concerned about this. I got a verbal invitation to a farewell party - to be followed up by a facebook invite - and I wasn't invited on facebook - so I am feeling really like I need to go out and get a social life again...

This week is probably my social week of the month, 6-months etc.

Tonight is dinner with some high-school friends - we generally try to catch up every so often.
tomorrow I am going to Adelaide and spending the weekend with at least 2 mates, while monday I have a specialist appointment and then tuesday or wednesday i am off to albury for a couple of days. But saying this the people that I am seeing in the next week - is about a quarter of my friendship network...