Thursday, September 25, 2008

I've been wondering for a while now - what is the reason for life?

I don't save anyone, no one loves me in such a way that they life would stop if I wasn't here tomorrow or tonight - it would take several weeks/months for people to even realise I wasn't here!

Someone told me tonight that what the treatment that I have allowed others to get away with, is the behaviour that I allow people to always get away with. Since I have been bullied since I was 4ish - due to the speach issues - which no one can seriously understand the number of hours of treatment I have been involved with unless they have had over 10 years of weekly specialist treatments to try and reticifie the situation. I just don't think the person understands what having low-self esteem is like and I don't mean to be the victim but I can't help it.

I have been being bullied at work for a number of months - I can't do anything right,and when I do take a step forward I then get asked who asked me to do it - etc. The people I work with think I don't have a brain - i.e. they don't feel its worth while founding out what brain I have!

I work in the construction industry language is expected - but since I am a female one of my colegues who degrades me - apologises for swearing in front of me - and has actually told me that since I was a female it is inappropriate for me to swear. Jokes around the site are not considered appropriate to be shared with me since I am a female. All I ask is to be treated like one of the guys but for some reason they can not think past the fact that I am supposed to have boobs (not man boobs).

True I have never been physically or sexually abused but emotionally I can't do this anymore

Except of course the fact that I am a weakling and I couldn't hurt myself - I just don't have the guts to hurt myself - other than emotionally thinking about stuff too much - I just don't know anymore!

I don't know how to move forward - new job same issue, one of my friends who is also a relative reminded me that things could be worst - but also suggested that I look at getting medical assistance - I really don't know! I just don't know!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The next big step!

Just realised I have a house deposit (even with the 6 weeks in Europe), and can get another $15,000 ($7,000 federal, $5,000 victoria and another $3,000 since I don't wanna live in Melbourne or geelong given to me by the state as well - if I buy a brand new place) of bonus!

So I need to start founding the place - my lease is until May 2009 - so buy now - lease it out until 30 April - move into my own place...

just need to found a place that i like, i can afford (without feeling like I have gone down a big black hole and feeling depressed cause I have no living money), and just do it!