I just did a depression online test - and how about it I am depressed

I feel alot of it is based on self esteem issues
the extract below is from the Reach out Website

How Does Your Self-Esteem Affect Your Life?
Your self-esteem can affect how you feel, how you relate to other people, how you deal with challenges and how relaxed and safe you feel in your daily life:
The Way You Feel
In order to be happy you need to like yourself. If you believe that you are not OK, or if you are constantly putting yourself down, you are more likely to feel depressed, anxious or miserable than someone who has a positive view of themselves.
Your Relationships
Low self-esteem can influence the way you behave with other people. For instance, you might find yourself being unassertive (not saying what we think, feel or want), and doing things we don't want to do.
Or you might find yourself trying too hard to please other people - agreeing with them and offering to do things for them in order to 'earn' their friendship.
Low self-esteem might also cause you to seek reassurance from your friends, because deep down, you may not be sure that they like you. You might allow others to 'walk all over you' because you believe you have no rights, and that your needs don't matter. Being treated badly by other people can reinforce the belief that you are not good enough, and can lower your self-esteem even more.
Your Willingness to Move Out of Your Comfort Zone
Trying new things and moving out of our 'comfort zone' at times is important for growing and developing as a person. Low self-esteem might hold you back from new experiences because you become overly concerned with the possibility of failure or looking stupid.
How Relaxed and Comfortable You Feel in the World
When your self-esteem is low, it is difficult to feel relaxed and comfortable in day to day situations.
For instance, if you believe that you are not OK you might feel awkward and self-conscious in many situations. You might worry too much about what others think of you, and might be constantly on the lookout for signs that people don't like you. If someone doesn't acknowledge you, you might immediately assume that they don't like you.


Yep - I could of nearly written that!

The Closed Book

Not many people out there I would say have been able to read the book that is me - don't get me wrong I have a collection of friends and all of them I love dearly! Saying that most people I meet are not able to get past the introduction or preface of the book that is me! Let alone past the third chapter of the book.

Maybe I don't allow the book to be taken off the shelf, or maybe the book has one of those magic things you see - that certain pages are visible on certain occassions - and the rest of the time they are not visible. A couple of years ago,my new year resolution was try to be a more interesting book, that is easier to read - I feel that at the moment I have probably made my book harder to read.

I think I might need to go back to the plan to try and make the book more interesting, and to possible make it on a bestseller list! Just how do I do it? How do I make the changes while still remaining primarily me?

So again another blog that isn't the most positive!

On positive news - 2 Couples that I am friends with - both told the world that they were pregnant by facebook in the last 2 weeks - it is an exciting time for all!

I just realised that have 5 friends named Sarah on facebook - that's just weird!

I've been wondering for a while now - what is the reason for life?

I don't save anyone, no one loves me in such a way that they life would stop if I wasn't here tomorrow or tonight - it would take several weeks/months for people to even realise I wasn't here!

Someone told me tonight that what the treatment that I have allowed others to get away with, is the behaviour that I allow people to always get away with. Since I have been bullied since I was 4ish - due to the speach issues - which no one can seriously understand the number of hours of treatment I have been involved with unless they have had over 10 years of weekly specialist treatments to try and reticifie the situation. I just don't think the person understands what having low-self esteem is like and I don't mean to be the victim but I can't help it.

I have been being bullied at work for a number of months - I can't do anything right,and when I do take a step forward I then get asked who asked me to do it - etc. The people I work with think I don't have a brain - i.e. they don't feel its worth while founding out what brain I have!

I work in the construction industry language is expected - but since I am a female one of my colegues who degrades me - apologises for swearing in front of me - and has actually told me that since I was a female it is inappropriate for me to swear. Jokes around the site are not considered appropriate to be shared with me since I am a female. All I ask is to be treated like one of the guys but for some reason they can not think past the fact that I am supposed to have boobs (not man boobs).

True I have never been physically or sexually abused but emotionally I can't do this anymore

Except of course the fact that I am a weakling and I couldn't hurt myself - I just don't have the guts to hurt myself - other than emotionally thinking about stuff too much - I just don't know anymore!

I don't know how to move forward - new job same issue, one of my friends who is also a relative reminded me that things could be worst - but also suggested that I look at getting medical assistance - I really don't know! I just don't know!

The next big step!

Okay
Just realised I have a house deposit (even with the 6 weeks in Europe), and can get another $15,000 ($7,000 federal, $5,000 victoria and another $3,000 since I don't wanna live in Melbourne or geelong given to me by the state as well - if I buy a brand new place) of bonus!

So I need to start founding the place - my lease is until May 2009 - so buy now - lease it out until 30 April - move into my own place...

just need to found a place that i like, i can afford (without feeling like I have gone down a big black hole and feeling depressed cause I have no living money), and just do it!

What is it with Alcohol?

I am starting to wonder if I am drinking too much! I am starting to wonder if I am eating out too much as well!

This week has been one of those weeks.

Friday night had drinks at the pub - with the guys from work - I remember hoping in a mates car - but I don't remember dropping off the 2 guys (well I half remember dropping one off), or giving directions to stace (my mate). Then was sitting on the couch and talking to stace, and next thing I know its 430am and I found I was sleeping on the couch, with my dona (blanket) from my bed on me. That was fine - sad but fine! I then had to get up at 530 - so I could be around at a work mates place at 6am for a snow trip.
Stace didn't drink on friday night, she had offered to drive us all to the snow - so on saturaday morning - she had 2 hanged over work mates of mine in the backsit, and me in the front sit - all feeling dodgy!

Thursday night I kept pace with the boys for dinner! Friday morning I woke up feeling a touch hanged over!

Okay it's my fault that nothing has been written for a while
I have started work, spent a weekend with the family, met a whole lot of new collegues, drank a whole lot of beer, had my first, second and third visitors - (all in the same weekend), hosted a couple of dinners here, drank some more beer, won a raffle or 3, had my parents her for a week, and visited Canberra, but for some reason I am still feeling alone.

It's weird how alone I feel at times, althrough it might just be tiredness!

I once heard that the male in a couple is likely to sleep closest to the door, even through I am alone, I have generally always slept closest to the door - its just been the side that made me feel at home. In the last couple of weeks maybe due to the new room etc. I have started sleeping the furtherest from the door. This is an interesting move for me - maybe its because I am becoming more open to things - I don't kow - but its an interesting discussion point for this forum.

Better found out what is happening with uni - today!

Life

Okay I have unpacked - well everything is out of the boxes... Things still need to found homes and I do have too many things.

But some of the belongings I have (a lot) have sedimentally value - like the teddy bear aidan gave me for my 21st - its red and big - and has been in charge of the lounge at my last place. The glass world globe that andrew gave me for my 21st. The navy blue scraf thing that I was supposed to wear for Aidan and Stace's wedding.

The hangings - which I haven't worked out which ones to put up - only have 4 places to hang them.
Cross-stitch that mum did for my 21st, the cross-stitch I made, the 4 long-stitches that I did, the picture of the 12 apostles that I got as a graduation gift, the picture of me in a monaro, the pictures of me in amanda's wedding, my grad cert (by 3), and that's before the generic pictures I have picked up along the way that have meaning.

This week is the only week that I will be in the office until the end of June for monday to friday. Have training for the next 3 weeks, and then exams.